They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
