Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
