Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
