Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
