I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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