Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
