Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
