he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
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Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
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I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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