totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You are a booty call, not a friend.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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