is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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