Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
