I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
