there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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