i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
how drunk are you?
Several
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
