Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Hippo gnu deer
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
