I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
