Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
