Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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