I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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