i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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