I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
