i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
