I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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