Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
