just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
