Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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