you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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