dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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