Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
