margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
