Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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