i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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