I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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