he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
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I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
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he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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