I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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