drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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