So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
