I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
