Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
