I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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