I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
