look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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