I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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