I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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