i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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