New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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