I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize