paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
