yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
