I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Its about making memories worth repressing
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
