Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
