Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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