im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
