I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
