i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
