All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
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