I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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