My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
