Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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