my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
