Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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