I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
